Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in crowroots' LiveJournal:

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Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
12:17 am	What a ride! And so, the reality i have been creating within myself of self-acceptance, loads of self-acknowledgment and love has completely changed my life. I am a single lady once again standing steadily in my own spiritual place, i have a new love partner in my life after many committed years to another partner. I chose growth, experience, and deep self-love as i clearly made the changes i knew were necessary to release old emotional patterns and fear habits that no longer fulfilled me. A conscious loving relationship i am now living with shared open expression of feelings not letting fear stop the communication between us. This is so new and an exploration of how to be in a relationship and call eachothers emotional patterns and voice emotions that arise and help eachother to heal and thrive. I have a new job and am looking for a new place to live. All in a month. But the reality is much internal processing and self-examination over the last 2 years. Quite a turmoil in one sense but spiritual liberation in another...truth hurts and sets me free all at once. I am only responsible for my choices in this life and the effects they have and i choose with great care and love. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
8:11 pm	Solstice warmth Back in the UK on this beautiful sunny day with my family. We had our own little solstice meditation on a grand ley line and blessed mother earth with incense wafting on the breeze. Buterflies danced around us...so we danced with them and sang too before some crazy mucking about and lots of uncontrolled laughter. Lovely. Joyful happenings..... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
7:35 pm	Oh man! Well, I am well. Great 5 rhythms dance last night, loads of fun. Been pretty full on in clinic and at bread and butter work. Am having to stand up for myself quite a bit at the moment, not sure why the universe is chucking things my way but am keeping my head down and staying in my inner awareness that shit is coming my way and I'm not gonna take it. That said, the amazing reiki treatment I had a few weeks ago reconnected my inner wiring and I feel together and comfortable with my life events. Nice really. Flying back to the U.K soon to get all emotional with family and friends and then back here hopefully recharged but also I suspect a little overwhelmed. One suitcase is for us, the other will be full of Manuka honey, rosehip oil, beer, wine, rugby shirts and countless gifts from the 'land of the long white cloud'. Aaahhh, I feel better now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 29th, 2006
6:46 pm	Lizards and quakes Poor Java, big quake causing deaths and chaos, very tragic. We felt the tremors from a 7.3 quake a few days ago at 11pm one night. It originated some miles out from the top of the north island so despite being large we just got tremors. The lampshade swung and the bedside lamp with all my hanging earrings and assorted jewellry on it shimmied and shook for a few minutes it felt like. Now I sleep soundly after mind, no worries, must be getting used to them. The lizard, symbolically connects one to ones shadow, the imagination, the as yet unreal part of my psyche that is unmanifest. In native American Indian lore this is the meaning of this charming creature. I wonder if in Australian aboriginal lore the lizard which is painted over and over again in their artworks represents their 'dreamtime' and why this is. Am I dreaming the right dreams? Am I listening to my dreams? Do I take note of my vulnerabilites and bring them out of the hidden into my awareness to refine my psyche? Two Wellington characters who will always be seen around town are 'Blanket Man' (not my given name) and 'army woman'. Blanket man sits cross-legged in his favourite noisiest spots on the kerbside in the centre of town, dreads hanging, in a kind of loincloth all brown-skinned shaking his head to music only he hears. Or he busies himself keeping other would be patch pinchers at bay. He often sits on the kerb in front of parked cars hardly seen which is strange. Army woman marches to and fro in a portly fashion in full combat gear, maybe she is part of the Territorial army or something but in full gear around town? Helmet, putties the lot, I always think she is about to shout 'Grenade!' or 'Take cover!'. What a jumpy entry this is, ha! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
7:47 pm	'ow long? My goodness, it has bin a long time since I dared bare myself in these annals of mine! (Is that the right thing to say?) Thank you to those folk who still send me their usually pleasant thoughts on my ramblings to date, I smile. Feeling like quite a change has taken place within me since moving to New Zealand, oh I'm still bonkers but the quality of my spirit has calmed, focused and is clearer than it was, basically a large soul growth spurt. Oh, I'm still scared, worried, tense and nervous but only on week days! Really though the thread of all my dealings with this life weaves a joyful bounciness that underlies all day to day life stuff and colours each moment vividly whether I show it or not. Unless I drink too much Australian stout and then I groan frequently the next day while rubbing pepermint oil on my aching temples, all joy lost to alcoholic moaning. There is alot of violent behaviour near Wellington at the moment, a small bomb, an abduction, who says NZ is a safer place. There are certainly rough neighbourhoods and the maniacal drivers are really insane, empty-head space syndrome seems very prevalent amongst young male drivers. The t.v. still has ads by farmer Jake for joint relieving 'deer velvet' which apparently is the soft velvet of the cut off horns of the young deer, oh yes, after a local anaesthetic of course....of course...how disgusting! Well they hunt like the great machismic ancestors of old out here so why not scrape the poor bucks velvet off for cash. Another absurdity is the call to 'Save the Kiwi' ....by killing all its predators i.e. hedgehogs, rats and possums in the area ..Doh Doh - is it me or is killing not still killing? For food yes, no problems but this is insane. Hey, better stop there, i've obviously missed this too much :-) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 19th, 2006
10:10 pm	And so it goes.... It has never been so clear to me how much life is all movement and change. Having studied yin and yang for quite a while theoretically, its so true that one can learn theory and philosophy but to experience that theory is completely different. I have had to learn to adapt to my changing circumstances with fortitude and grace. To 'roll with the punches' and be grateful for the blessings that come my way. I am not so scared of change anymore as I found deeper wells of strength in me than I previously thought possible and I constantly experience renewed levels of trust in myself and of my capabilities than I once thought possible. The impermanence of the perception of my senses that the Buddhist faith talks about is also very real to me at the moment as I feel the momentum of my life swinging to and fro. But I still am in love with my senses and this very tangible world. Namaste (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
7:49 pm	Oh yes, more of me 2 I found a ring. Last Sunday afternoon. Quite a beautiful little gem that fits me perfectly and just what I would have chosen. I am delighted for me and sad for the person who lost it. What a blessing, to wear the ring I saw in my dreams. (Comment on this)
7:30 pm	So many things..... But more of just me! Spirit Disconnection I have a spot that I just can't scratch It's in a place just beyond my reach Kind of semi-there But where, exactly? It's making me feel quite empty and small This spot somewhere beneath it all. A sudden arrival at the end of the day Sneaking up on me as I was unaware And as I danced tonight it was as though I had to call to myself across a hollow space To try and find my soul. A spot I can't squeeze it Hold it Shake it or rub it better A spot not angry or sore Jusr empty feeling and not connected anymore. This is new What to do? I have a plan of course I shall meet my spot in precisely 5 minutes with practised tenacity And see what it tells me. Spirit Connection (1) I am in love with my life My creativity knows no bounds My body pulses with a quiet vitality Connected to my core Pips an' all. I dream of brightness I dream of deep connections I dream of deep peace I dream of true understanding. In raising my heart heavenwards I trust I dream I know no boundaries to love And live wholly. Spirit Connection (2) I live as spirit I live in my truth I live through my expression I live with my humanity. Joy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 4th, 2006
3:14 pm	life is all Ha Ha Hee Hee! Blustery Wellington, the weather is turning cold and autumnal and I don't know what to wear. The great new Waitangi park on the waterfront has some amazing aerial photographs and a huge condom tent at the moment, the setting for the french trapeze artists. Sounds great. Went to the Opera house last night to see 'Tristan and Yeseult' a slapstick drama (yes both) about a love triangle with the King of Cornawall and a French wanderer with an Irish maiden doomed to marry the King but in love with the Frenchman she nursed back to health. Great fun and audience participation with some serious thoughts about the tragedy love can cause. Hmmm! Nice theatre, bit chilly, not as nice as the Theatre Royal in Brighton, U.K. The Rolling Stones arrive in April. Tickets have gone on sale to Visa holders for a mere $350 a piece. And its outside, no fine days guaranteed at that time of year! Jury's out on whether to go. I really like this place which I think I say all the time, love me job, like the unsnobbishness of the people, have one amazing friend and know many nice others. Still dancing and singing away. Strikes me its funny how things are 'working out' life is certainly all change, up, down, no stuckness, guaranteed to move me about but it seems pretty pleasant right now and I'm lovin' it! Hard to be distant from family at times when I know there are problems for them but they have great support all round which makes it easier for me (Ah, feel the self-love not selfishness). Grin. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 25th, 2006
9:18 am	sand flies They gather around the rock pools masses of them hiding under the rocks in the shade and give really nasty bites if you are an unsuspecting uncovered up unprepared fool like I was last weekend. All week I have suffered with a swollen leg and cellulitis from just one bite. Yaouch! Ok, next time I know, this is the second festering bite since the beginning of the year, the first from a mosquito. Grumpy, no, just fed up hobbling about with a throbbingly painful leg. As well as headaches from a detox madness moment in the week and my moon-time plus busy work, no wonder I felt a tad unconnected yesterday. All for now .x.x. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
2:20 pm	Fancy frills Why not. I'm in a fancy mood. The cicadas are singing in the trees as people scurry by and its a beautiful warm day. The volvo yacht race was in town yesterday and there are ships and tugs coming and going in the harbour so lots to watch and enjoy. People are in a good mood it seems and I found a homeopathic pharmacy in the very centre of the city which is an oasis of vibrancy. Lovely, and very helpful folk in there. Jonathon Porrit was/is in town (main British environment advisor) and reading about his views in the local paper just made me want to get his new book, a clearly intelligent and deeply committed man to trying to preserve this planet and its resources, I find him quite inspiring and if anyone can ladle the truth of whats going on environmentally into me I think it would be him. Got excited yesterday when the local rag rang up, thought I'd won something but just a free month of their daily, delivered daily, not bad, the world section of their paper I find the best and the sports setion is ok apart from their blatant British rugby (groan) emnity. They're not mad keen on the Aussies here either (esp. Sydneyites) so anything that means they can have a dig at them goes on the front page, 'In affluent Sydney there live the saddest people in Australia' (I could hear, chuckle, chuckle) the report said, 'while the happiest live in dirt poor part of Queensland' somewhere. I am off to powder my decollete (new word of week, the French have all the nice words). (Comment on this)
Monday, February 13th, 2006
5:20 pm	hot and bothered sticky, sweaty and desperate for a shower. On my way home after a busy day of work and looking forward to some yoga when it cools down here in Welly. There's been alot of noise over a local body builder chap who has been busted for selling tons of 'fantasy' drug. I'm constantly amazed at the stuff people take to make them high then bring them down then make them sleep, block their fat metabolism, speed up their metabolism etc... The fringe festival has started, there is still rugby mania and the roses still smell sweet outside the front door. I can still see Mars from my bedroom window and the updated Freybourg swimming pool is alot cleaner. Off to find some coolness .x. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 4th, 2006
3:17 pm	Ruddy rugby! The place has erupted into rugby-mad party heaven. If you enjoy fancy dress and hours on end of sporting entertainment, this is the place to be. The whole town is in fancy dress, packs of african zulu warriors, chain-gangs, mafiosa, yellow fairies, an assortment of togas and wigs and one very strange white lycra bodysuit with a horses head.....Didn't quite get that one! Everyone is headed for the stadium for the 2nd days viewing, it is every year and seems more of a party than anything else. Saw some of the games in a bar yesterday evening and cheered England on as it was expected of me...I was really cheering for more of the Tongas tribal dancing..... Some 8 guys were lucky to make the games yesterday when their chartered plane crash landed not far from here, pretty narrow escape, not sure why it happened yet but made front page news along with a salt water crocodile in Australia that jumped out infront of a car, died and was given to the aborigines to eat. So its baking hot here, people I know, yes I actually know now, are sweating at work and wishing they could breeze away and cool down. Trying to track down a native bush essence, 'Puriri' from a tree here that helps with 'discrimination' on all psyche levels. As I'm not friggin rugby mad (but it really does help socially to know a few names and current issues here ie.. One of the 7's players is a pretty good David Beckham look-a-like complete with hairband..Mr Jane. I knew that Dagllalio is returning to UK rugby which sparked a discussion for a few minutes! So Iwent to the library and was sorely tempted by 'Eight-legged freaks' spider flick which I decided against having had cheese induced dreams about spiders the other night, a strong contender was, 'The bullet proof monk'...I just like the titles :-) Ended up leaving 9 hours of 'Shogun' for another day and leaving with 2 novels about the peoples of french Niger by Gaye Shortland(?) and 2 vids of violin music and classic singers of the last century which I shall of course try to sing along to and copy complete with hairbrush.... My partner left with 'Heat' Pacino and gang, and a sailing video which will be as inspiring to me as my singing will be to him! Interestingly I thought, the Pacific is rising by 8.4mm a year according to measurements in Tonga which madness has inspired some concern by the Pacific Islanders of island swallowing by the Pacific in years to come. Better get that Ark underway! (Comment on this)
Friday, February 3rd, 2006
4:50 pm	7-a-side Wellington basks in sunshine, I bask in heart peace and languish in sleepiness with a day off work. Its carnival time here with the arrival of the rugby sevens games in the stadium they call 'The Cake Tin' right in the harbour with the Karori mountains in the background. This means people dress up in togas and dressing gowns and general fancy dress every year, I've yet to work out why. The floats wound their way through the centre of town yesterday with alot of drumming and chucking of chocolates into the crowd. Missed the English float, cheered the All Blacks, thought it wise not to cheer the Scots, wouldn't have felt right! It seems the rugby is played with 7 a side for sporting reasons... No quakes recently, the earth is firm. Danced last night with steadiness and a smattering of grace, great fun. Letting go of anger has cleared and re-energised my spirit returning me to integrity and a sense of my personal boundaries. Feet firmly root and hips gently sway. Hip Hip.... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
5:15 pm	oooerrr........ Ahem! Who was that ranting banshee of a few days ago. Nearly wiped it off the blog in embarrassment but there I am for all to see. Such is my pledge to get to know my uncomfortable/liberating/wobbly bits (nice with ice-cream). My heart radiates a warm pink glow now and only you and I know of the swim through chaos of a few days ago and the inner self-belief that has arisen from it. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
11:52 am	Pass the after eights... I'm laughing at myself, made dinner with no huffiness just a little more attitude which for me is no bad thing. Good company, delicious 'fusion/asian' food with would you believe it..madeira sherry afterwards. Just as I was about to order the whole bottle, they had run out. Just to tease my tastebuds. Tip, don't bash the wall with a pillow, the pillow is quite tough and plasterboard may not be. Tip, if you can still hear the birds after you've yelled out it can't have been as loud as it sounded to you. Tip, if you don't hear the neighbours panicking at your hullabaloo, do it again. Tip, probably best not to go out that night and have to buff yourself up for pleasantries. Last tip, realise that its good to let the anger flow and know when it ceases to feel you are churning it will change to another emotion, hopefully something peaceful as all life is movement and change. But if it is held on to I will stagnate. Yuk to that. So it goes. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 27th, 2006
4:09 pm	Hopping mad! OK, I am soooo angry, furious infact and beligerent, tempestuous, volatile, get it? Why? I wish I knew all the reasons why. I danced 5 rhythms last night with my swollen mosquito bitten ankle and particularly enjoyed dancing chaos and staccato, rationally the movements of chaos are said by Gabrielle Roth to be expressing grief and clearing sadness and staccato puts me in touch with my anger and boundaries. Well, I stomped and stamped and said 'No' and 'I won't play' over and over again (to myself) and to the world...at large :-) When we finished I was calm and felt ok and fine, had been a good day and I had enjoyed the others friendship in the dance. Then awoke today, felt fine as it is a day off work put some music on and BAM! I was mad as hell! I rolled on the floor, hit it, screamed at it and am still shouting louder than Bono inside. Yikes, I'm scaring myself now, am supposed to be having a quiet dinner with respectable people later and I sure as hell don't feel respectable right now, I feel downright capable of extreme assertion...could argue that black is white..that sort of thing. WHY 2 - I have just emerged from the bloody-minded nursing council of New Zealand. The asses (and I will never care if they read this) are making life as difficult as possible for me to register here. Good Luck to them, even though I never quite got there - I QUIT. I had to remove myself from the reception area rather promptly as between tears of frustration and sheer anger I decided that to really go hell for leather there and then would only upset myself more and has never worked in the past. You never see them...they squirrel themselves away and get the poor receptionist (who I really like)to do all the communicating and running around for them. Nursing pays you shit and case-in-hand treats you like shit quite a bit. (Yes I have had amazing times too-but I'm not connecting with them right now!) I will drag a squirrel from its hidey-hole when I've gathered all my facts and this I am very good at when I know I'm in the right, from past experience at dealing with asses! WHY 3 - Life is showing me its will and I am fighting it all the way! Despite saying that I would follow its lead I am head-banging with the best of them and frightened. WHY 4 - .....................................I am Inbetween.............................................. Guess I'll quickly retreat home and let rip on a pillow or two in good old therapy fashion, wish me luck for dinner. (Comment on this)
Friday, January 20th, 2006
4:45 pm	Tired feet Well, nothing happens and then everything happens! Have 2 jobs and all the acupuncture regulation is going full steam ahead. The outer and inner life are as active as ever and the balance has shifted again in my life to a more energetic quick step as my batteries have re-charged. Friends in woe - not nice. Parcels being destroyed by customs as they contain beeswax products and pine cones/needles - Boo. Lots of German to translate as family obviously don't want me to forget...cheers! Takes me ages to make head or tail of the letters. Keep sending the chocolate though, it really isn't half as good here :-) Discovered Isthak Perlman yesterday, a violinist whose playing moved me so much I cried when watching video tape of his visit to Russia. Why do Asians love their green-lipped mussel products so much? And sheep placenta creams? Sharks cartilage is a popular product for the joints(tablets) here and god knows what the deer velvet was used for. What is it anyway? Ah the quest for knowledge - to narrow my mind even more and fill it with blah! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
3:18 pm	A little Penguin I know I'm in a very different land when I look into the clear harbour water and see a little yellow-eyed penguin swimming about looking quite duck-like from a distance and diving for fish. Not many bods seemed to notice until I squeeled with delight. Lots of tiny fish in the harbour we guessed he was after. Still waiting to see killer whales which have been spotted in the past not far from Wellington. Whale energy seems to be linked with healing the heart in humans too. Their spirits are able to guide our hearts to balance, peace and understanding. Dolphins are ever playful and joyful in their heart healing but whale energy has the steadiness and sturdiness factor. Any thoughts? We extracted DNA from strawberries in Te Papa (national museum)as part of their genetic exhibition. Take the pureed strawberry, add detergent, add kiwi fruit to break down the protein, add ?ethanol, and combine with moderate shaking for 5 minutes. A kind of white goopy scum forms which is the DNA. That gets put in the centrifuge, then the multiplier machine then another machine to extract/unravel it. Apologies to anyone who knows abut this, its just my simple understanding. The exhibition is an eye-opener and leaves me excited at the potential of GE (genetic engineering)in medicine in particular but I can't shift from my thoughts that the human intent of ethics has not caught up with these scientific advances lets face it and we are too greedy as a race for profit therefore our responsibilty will surely come back to bite us on the bum. I was disturbed by the poster campaign by mothers against GE of a woman on all fours with four breasts attached to milking appparatus used to milk cows. I know its emotional but had horror in its impact. This was balanced by fantastic info. on the human genome and displays, we share much of our genetic make-up with all sorts of animals. The Maori culture has voiciferous concerns for their human rights which was good to hear. I tried to feed my partner soap the other day, they looked like chocolates all wrapped up that I had innocently bought for him. His face turned many colours as he tried to figure out what on earth he was eating. His brain said chocolate-yum, his taste said soap-yarrgghh and I rolled on the floor laughing which didn't help. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 12th, 2006
4:19 pm	'Howl' moved my partner out of the cinema! How different we all are. I watched 'Howl's Moving Castle' at the flicks last night a japanese animated film for kids and found it charming and unpretentious. My partner hated it, fell asleep and then walked out to read the paper in the foyer. He rated it the worst film he had ever seen alongside 'Alexander'. I tried to explain from my p.o.v. that there was no A>B>C point, it meandered and several realities can exist at onece, thats 'fantasy' to me and I'm ok with it. (The castle door opens to a different place depending on which colour you turn the dial to). I've no idea how sane the person is who wrote it but I'm ok with the young girl changing to an old woman under a spell and who keeps changing back to a young girl randomly as the film progresses, when quizzed why this was happening I replied 1) the spell is wearing off, 2) She is in love with 'Howl' the wizard and feels young, 3) In his eyes 'Howl' sees her as the young woman she really is. A befuddled partner is still utterly befuddled. Maybe I should leave Harry Potter and go and see a gritty "Joyeux Noel' next - a dose of the realities! I am to be tamed, need dosh so am selling my soul to commerce for a while in order to finance things I want to do while waiting for red tape to clear on the acupuncture front. Boo Bah Broomsticks!! Yuck! At least I'll be able to buy my heels, lipstick and lacies again. :-) (2 Comments |Comment on this)